Three Historical Figures That Would Have Greatly Benefited From Craft Beer

 

Beer has been around for as long as human civilization, but not all historical figures were avid drinkers of this ancient beverage. ACB takes a look at three people in history that may have had a better life if they were regular consumers of craft beer.

Socrates

Socrates once said, “I know that I know nothing – about craft beer.” One thing that he for sure didn’t know is that craft beer could have saved his life. The Greek Athenian philosopher Socrates was one of the founders of Western philosophy, responsible for the Socratic Method, and hilarious in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (So-crates!).

The philosopher got a hard on for paradoxes so much that he made the Athenians in power look like a bunch of morons to the point where they accused him of wrongdoing. He was found guilty of corrupting the minds of the youth of Athens and of not believing in the gods of the state. He was sentenced to death by drinking a poison hemlock mixture.

Socrates’ followers had a plan to save him by bribing the prison guards, but Socrates refused to flee due to his philosophical principals. Of course that’s what he wants us to believe according to Plato’s Phaedo. I think we’ve all watched enough Breaking Bad episodes to know that paying someone off to keep their mouth shut is a terrible idea and it didn’t take the wisest man in all of Athens very long to figure that out.  

If Socrates had been a fan of craft beer, then he would have thought of a better escape plan like this one: Socrates would have always kept a wide array of craft beers in his toga because when there are people wearing togas, there are always toga parties.

One of these brews would have been a Double IPA heavily hopped with Chinook and Simcoe hops and yielding an ABV of over 15%. Socrates would have secretly switched out the hemlock poison drink with his Parthenon Brewing Company DIPA. The heavy dank aroma of pine and cat pee given off from the hops would have emulated the aroma of poison hemlock, fooling the guards into believing that he shotgunned the poison while throwing up devil horns on his hand. The high ABV would have assisted him in acting out his death and would have caused him to pass out. Socrates heart rate would have slowed down and the guards, whose science knowledge was based on believing in fairy tales, would have declared him dead. That’s when Plato and Xenophon would have retrieved the “body” after distracting the guards with some logic puzzles and rode off into the sunset in Plato’s sweet convertible chariot.

Emily Dickinson

I taste a liquor never brewed –
From Tankards scooped in Pearl –
Not all the Frankfort Berries
Yield such an Alcohol!

This actual Emily Dickinson poem is proof enough that she yearned for craft beer. While being one of the most influential and important American poets,

Dickinson lived a reclusive and introverted life. Some say the 19th century poet’s hardships and depression that led to her seclusion were the reasons that her poetry was so moving. I disagree. Try picturing Dickinson being an avid lover and connoisseur of craft beer.

She would have probably indulged in Lambic or fruit beers, but she would’ve appreciated more floral hopped pale ales, like Deschutes’ Mirror Pond. Having a pint or two a day of these beers would’ve only further motivated her and enhanced her creative mind to another level.

Plus, the alcohol would have lowered her inhibitions, which may have allowed her to leave her crazy crow’s nest of a house so that she could mingle and converse with the townsfolk, creating new experiences instead of knitting doilies for her eighteen cats.

Here’s what her famous poem “If I Can Stop” would have sounded like if she had been a lover of craft beer:

If I can stop one beer bottle from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can pound a pint without aching,
Or cool the glass the same,
Or help one fainting hobo
Unto his cardboard box again,
I shall not live in vain.

Mary I of England

Queen Mary I of England, or Bloody Mary as the kids like to call her, was the Queen of England and Ireland after her younger half-brother Edward VI’s death. The story of how Queen Mary took the throne is more complicated than a game of Snooker. Mary was the only child born from King Henry VIII’s first wife to live into adulthood (please refer to the classic Herman’s Hermits song “Henry the 8th I am” for the story of Mary’s father).

Basically, Henry the 8th couldn’t bear a son, and the Pope wouldn’t grant him a divorce, so he created the protestant Church of England, which gave him the power to divorce and behead any wife that didn’t pop out a boy (because women are responsible for all the Y chromosomes, right?). Mary was not fond of the new church when she took the throne, so she converted England back to Catholicism. She didn’t take the opposition lightly; she burned some 280 WASPs at the stake. She died five years after taking over Westminster Abby, and now she can be summoned by saying her nickname three times in front of a mirror in a dark bathroom or guzzled down with a celery stick while trying to beat a hangover. 

Bloody Mary was one of the most uptight people in all of history, and in simple terms, she needed to calm the f–k down. Although beer has been prevalent in much of England’s history, I cannot find any evidence that Queen Mary drank any kind of beer. I can guarantee you that if she did drink craft beer, then her nickname would have probably been “Casually Upset Mary.” Yes, we all know an angry surly drunk or two, but how many of those people are devoted craft beer drinkers?

Most people who indulge in craft brews have a refined palate and an appreciation for the complexity of the drink. They savor every sip instead of waterfalling a 16 oz. can in five seconds. The craft beer drinker allows the alcohol of their beverage to calm them down instead of pounding it like water and then kick-punching anything that moves. Mary would have been mellower after one or two barleywines, an ESB, or a stout and may have been open to compromise with her religious opposition. Who knows, maybe she would have been known as one of the greatest monarchs in history instead of having everything she tyrannically worked for reversed five years later upon her death when England changed its religious preference back to the Anglican Church of England. 

These three scenarios are only a sample of several historical people who would have greatly benefited from craft beer. We only grow as a civilization if we learn from our history, so don’t make the same mistakes of these historical figures. Drink craft beer and change the world around you.