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Whoever tells you that they don’t judge a book by its cover is a fricking liar. First impressions make lasting impressions and the same goes for the beer that we drink.
Take the two pictures above, for example.
Which one of those guys do you think has a diversified 401K? Which one might be hopped up on bath salts? Which guy is part of a lawn bowling league? Who do you think has a raging case of hemorrhoids? Who would you want your daughter to date? Who do you think your daughter would want to date? Surprise, those pictures are of the same guy. Is your mind blown yet? No? Well those are two photos of me! Boom! (That was the sound of your head exploding.)
It’s true, outside appearances influence people’s perceptions of how things or people are on the inside. This is why having the right beer label is crucial for the success of the beer. In this series of articles, I will judge local craft beers solely on their labels, selecting my five favorites. I have not tried any of these beers to sway my opinion. Since bottles of craft beers that are sold in markets vary by region and season, this edition is focused on American crafts that are sold in California during the winter months. Keep in mind, this is purely subjective. You’re welcome to disagree.
5. Old Viscosity Ale, Port Brewing, San Marcos, CA
This label might not have the prettiest art work, but there’s something about mixing beer and heavy machinery that makes me laugh. Maybe it’s because this picture reminds me of my childhood when my father would work under his red Mazda B2000 pickup and I would be in the garage “helping.” I remember it like yesterday, “Son, get me a three-quarter inch drive.” Cut to me fumbling through a huge tool box grabbing a socket with a “3/4” on it and handing it to my dad only to hear him say, “I said a DRIVE, this is a socket!” Obviously every 12-year-old should know this, so I guess I’m an idiot.
4. Dugana Double India Pale Ale, Avery Brewing Co, Boulder, CO
The individuals working in the marketing department at Avery Brewing Company are geniuses. Everyone knows sex sells, so why not combine a sexy Indian goddess on a bottle of IPA? It’s perfect. The colors and the Indian tapestries that make up the border are an authentic representation of the blah, blah, blah, let’s get back to the drawing of that hot girl. She is just the right amount of sexy without being pornographic. The first thing you say when you look at this label is, “that is one hot Indian lady!” And the second thing you say is, “can you see her nipple?” Trust me, you can’t. I’ve looked really hard.
3. Old Monkeyshine English Old Ale, Nimbus Brewing Company, Arizona
This is such an intriguing picture; I could stare at it for hours. I’m fascinated by what is going on and I’m trying to figure it out. Here’s what I’ve got so far: there’s a hillbilly monkey man who is also a saint, roaming the Arizona country side. The monkey man also has a Gallagher obsession and smashes every watermelon that he sees. There is a mannequin who mistakenly had a crash test dummy’s head on, but when the dummy’s head was removed, the mannequin’s neck farted the ABV of the beer. I still can’t tell what the hell the magician is doing to the rabbit to make that swirly-cue come out of its head. If you figure it out, then don’t tell PETA.
2. Brother Thelonious Belgian Style Abbey Ale, North Coast Brewing Co., Fort Bragg, CA
I feel cooler just being around this label. Look at this guy; he’s a black monk who digs jazz music while chillin’ with a challis in an abbey. I want to carry around this bottle wherever I go just to increase my swagger. This label screams out, “hey lame white guy, if you buy this beer and drink it, you’re going to crap out your lame self and turn into James Dean with sexy stubble and a fedora.” I can imagine if I was to crack open this bottle, a single alto sax will start playing smooth rhythmic notes in the corner of the room. Alan Ginsberg starts slapping some bongos while I play Three Card Monte with the cartoon MC Skat Kat from Paula Abdul’s Opposites Attract video. I point to the card that I think is the queen of hearts and MC Skat Kat picks up my chosen card, but the card just shows a reflection of me. My head explodes, but instead of flames, music notes shoot out of all my skull orifices. All that remains on my shoulders is a bare bones skull. Brother Thelonious takes the skull off my shoulders and goes back into his abbey. I then wake up with a horrible headache, realizing I’d downed the whole 750 ml bottle of Brother Thelonious, which has an ABV of 9.4%.
1. Labyrinth Black Ale, Uinta Brewing Company, Salt Lake City, UT
This piece makes MC Escher want to rise from the grave, stand, and salute this beer label. I love this artwork in so many ways. I’m a huge sucker for futuristic art, especially if it involves robots (the first brewery that makes a Robot Ale will get the pleasure of me buying every bottle that they make). I give huge props to Uinta for actually knowing the difference between a labyrinth and a maze (labyrinths are a continuous path with one way in and one way out while mazes are usually made of corn and are often explored by drunken teenagers that duck away into the dead ends just to make out). The 3D labyrinth is fun to follow with your finger while you’re bored at a party, which is a great alternative to tearing your beer label off like I usually do. I’m also fascinated that post-real-boy-transformation Pinocchio is trying to escape. Did he get lost in the labyrinth and mistake David Bowie for Geppetto, but was scared off when he noticed Bowie’s gross spandex bulge? And what is in Pinocchio’s back pocket, a hamburger?! If you buy this beer, then not only will you probably have a delicious beer to sip on, but you’ll have hours of debates and discussions with your friends about what the hell is going on here.
