Top 6 Disasters Where Craft Beer In Your Emergency Kit Is Essential – Part I

, Top 6 Disasters Where Craft Beer In Your Emergency Kit Is Essential – Part I

We all know disasters are inevitable, and I’m not talking about your typical natural disasters – we’re talking about the mega-disasters that we don’t like to think about but are bound to happen. Events like the polar ice caps melting, Doomsday scenarios, or hostile takeovers that may only be thought possible by liberals, the religious, or skeptics…the catastrophes you may call someone foolish for believing in.

And if that Extinction Level Event Asteroid hits and you’re not prepared, then who’s going to look like a fool?

No need to panic because ACB will inform you about the most important item that you’ll need to pack in your disaster kit and why you’ll need it. You guessed it. You’re going to need some craft beer.

6: Zombie Apocalypse

, Top 6 Disasters Where Craft Beer In Your Emergency Kit Is Essential – Part IEveryone is gaga over zombies nowadays, though no one really knows how zombies will actually come about. Some say a strange mutation, maybe a virus; others say the devil will have a hand in it. Whatever the reason, you need to be prepared when the reanimated dead come knocking on your door to munch on your brains. Sure, you can pack the typical shotgun and chain saw in your disaster kit to fight back, but after fighting off thousands of zombies, you are bound to get tired and become organ tiramisu for dead Frank from accounting.

You have to outsmart these lifeless walkers if you want to stay alive. That’s when you reach for your 22 oz. bombers.

Alcohol is a stimulant at low doses because it stimulates your cerebellum. Your cerebellum is responsible for fine motor control. When too much alcohol over-stimulates this region of your brain, you lose control of your fine motor skills, which is perfect if you want to mimic a zombie. Plus, recent independent research has found that the combination of hops and alcohol cuts off the signal that zombies detect when searching for live brains. Pound a few pints of a Double IPA and you’ll find yourself walking through zombieland untouched.

From here, you can go two different routes: you can be a stealthy assassin that takes out zombies one by one by sneaking up and removing heads with your DIPA broken bottle neck, or you can choose to live in the zombie society and start a zombie family with the zombie version of that guy or girl you’ve been eying at the Starbucks for the last month. I guess it depends on how much craft beer you pack away in your emergency kit and if you want to be a necrophiliac.

5: The Rapture

, Top 6 Disasters Where Craft Beer In Your Emergency Kit Is Essential – Part IThe biblical rapture is the taking of the true followers of God before the second coming of Christ who is prophesized to come 1,000 years after the rapture to lay the final judgment on earth. If one day you notice that all your Christian friends that hand out clothes at homeless shelters have all disappeared, then you may suspect that you’re in the end of days. Eventually, there will be an antichrist, the great beast will rise out of a lake of fire, and the sun will fall from the sky (you know, the usual hell on earth situation).

You’re now faced with two options: you can still turn to a life of God and join your friends at that Church Lock-in in the sky, or you can ride out the hell on earth until the second coming. Since we have no way of knowing what type of craft beer will be available in heaven, we’re going to focus on those who choose to stay and indulge in the weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Since there’s really no way of fighting all of this, so you might as well show the prince of darkness that you can party harder than anyone else. Good thing you have an excellent selection of craft beer in your emergency kit to win over Beelzebub’s gratitude. We suggest you pack Elysian Brewing’s Rapture Heather Ale, Doomsday Brewing’s Redemption Red, and The Lost Abby’s Judgment Day Ale.

4: Nuclear Fallout

, Top 6 Disasters Where Craft Beer In Your Emergency Kit Is Essential – Part IWith more and more countries becoming Nuclear Powers, our fears from the Cold War Era could become a reality. Everyone’s aware that if there is ever a WWIII, an all-out nuclear war will ensue. Luckily for the people who are not in a heavily populated metropolitan area, you’ll only have to worry about nuclear fallout instead of being obliterated by atomic energy. Good thing those people have craft beer in their disaster kit.

Darker beers, like stouts and porters, contain a butt-load of polyphenol antioxidants, which help eliminate free radicals in your body. Free radicals are atoms with an odd number of electrons that can be formed when oxygen interacts with certain molecules (nerd alert!). These inner-space invaders can cause cellular damage, which could lead to cancer. Ionization radiation from nuclear-charged material creates these atomic free radical assholes.

We recommend consuming stouts and porters in cans at a constant rate until the risk of fallout has subsided. The empty cans can also be used to fabricate an awesome set of radiation armor to help shield you from gamma rays. It’s best to have a low ABV beer so you don’t pass out from the constant guzzling of stout. We suggest packing Moo Thunder Milk Stout from Butternuts Beer and Ale, Anderson Valley Barney Flats Oatmeal Stout, or Maui Brewing CoCoNut Porter all in cans.

 

Check back at ACB next week as we up the stakes and prepare you for disasters 3 through 1!

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