Three Monsters that Would Greatly Benefit from Craft Beer

Halloween has come to be my favorite holiday of the year. I adore old crappy horror movies, not because I want to scream like a 12-year-old girl and get dabbles of urine in my shorts like some people, but because I think they’re hilarious. After recently watching The Monster Squad (which is a shittier version of The Goonies but with monsters), I began to think that some monsters have it rough. I’m sure if I had to sleep in a wooden coffin during the day, I would want to bite some necks too (I needs me my Tempur-Pedic mattress pad!). I wondered if there is one thing that would make these monsters’ lives a little better, and of course, craft beer was my answer.

Frankenstein’s Monster

Dr. Frankenstein’s Monster, or as the world improperly knows him – Frankenstein – is a mish-mash of cadavers that was brought to life by an experiment. The original story by Mary Shelly has the monster only kill people close to Dr. Frankenstein to get back at the doctor for not making the monster a mate. In the Universal Pictures adaptation of Frankenstein (the version we all know and love), the monster accidently has a brain of a former criminal’s. The monster in the movie kills because he’s a giant scared oaf-child. If Frankenstein would have given his monster a steady supply of craft beer, then he would have had a normal functioning science experiment worthy of winning a Nobel Prize in science.

The monster was eight feet tall, so this freak probably had several normal-sized livers to filter that enormous amount of blood in that tall drink of water. The livers would be arranged sequentially like a series of cow stomachs, which would aid in processing alcohol in the monster’s body. He would never actually become drunk, so the monster could drink barleywines and imperial stouts like they were water. He would though be able to have enough alcohol in his system to rouse his fine motor control and cognitive functions of his brain (alcohol is a stimulant at low doses due to the stimulation of the cerebellum – it’s only when the cerebellum becomes over-stimulated due to too much alcohol that one loses fine motor control and the alcohol becomes a depressant). With an elevated and stimulated brain, the monster is able to learn faster instead of coming to the conclusion of “fire bad, KILL!” Plus the monster will begin to appreciate life more due to the exposure of all the complex and delicious beers that he is constantly consuming. You don’t believe me? Take a look at Herman Munster. That guy was constantly pounding IPAs when he was off-screen and he was incredibly coherent.

Wolfman

The Wolfman is obviously a werewolf, and if you don’t know what a werewolf is, then you’re probably Amish and you’re a sinner for being on this website right now reading this article. I’m not talking about a Michael J. Fox werewolf, where he stands on top of buses and dunks on his varsity basketball team. No, this is a normal guy living a normal life, but when a full moon comes once a month, he destroys his favorite velour pajamas and turns into a hairy overgrown canine. The human version of Wolfman doesn’t want to be a beast because he despises the fact that when you’re a giant wolf, you naturally have to kill anything that moves. Wolfman’s dude persona goes to great lengths to restrain himself during his time of the month so he doesn’t end up being a very bad dog (he doesn’t want to get swatted on the nose with a rolled up newspaper after his face is rubbed in the mess he made).

One way Wolfman can incapacitate himself before he makes his big change is to become completely inebriated. A drunken werewolf under the full moon’s light would probably pass out on his back and do some sleep air running, try and scratch the back of his front leg with his hind claw, or lick his nose for six hours straight. Of course Wolfman could drink any type of alcohol to become sloshed, but he’s not some frat boy college kid – he’s eternal, and he’s really old. After doing this every month of the year, Wolfy would probably get tired of taking shots of Jager and 151. Instead, he would develop a refined palate and he may even look forward to hand-selecting a wide array of craft bombers to drink in the evening. Next time a full moon is out, listen closely and you may hear a “Ooooooooooooow that’s a good Double IPA!”

Witches

The concept of witches and magic has been around since human civilization began. Witches specialize in potions, sorcery, and providing a role that Bette Midler was born to play. Consuming craft beer may not be as beneficial to witches as some other monsters, but witches would greatly benefit monetarily from making craft beer. They can already make any potion they want with eye of newt, albino baby tears, and all that other folklore BS, so making a delicious beer out of hops, malt, wheat, and yeast would be a cake walk for these Wiccans. Instead of saying the famous line of the witches from Macbeth, these witches would exclaim while brewing, “Robble-dee double walts and mops, we stir the brew kettle of malts and hops.”

The witches would start a brewery called Witch-Craft Beer. Their brew time would be almost instantaneous and their bottling crew would consist of animated brooms with hands. Witch-Craft Beer would easily turn out 100,000 barrels a month. In addition to all your standard craft beers and amazing specialty beers that would be like nothing you have ever tasted before, WCB would make beers that would help with fertility, cure baldness, give you courage, have someone fall in love with you, etc.  The possibilities are almost endless. Sales would skyrocket with all the healing Ale-ments that WCB would have to offer and the witches would rank in the top five on the Forbes list of the wealthiest beings on the planet. The witches would be in a position of high power instead of hiding in hopes of not getting found and burned at the stake. They got to this position not by handing out poison apples or flying around on brooms, but with craft beer.