The Declaration of Beer Independence

On this Fourth of July, while most citizens of the US of A reflect on the Declaration of Independence from Big Britain, ACB reflects on its own declaration of independence from Big Beer. We hope you can join in and figuratively sign this declaration, because if we don’t hang together, we’ll all hang separately, with shitty beer in our hands. (This preamble is best read when listening to the Battle Hymn of the Republic.)

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all beers are created equal, that they are not endowed by their brewer with certain unalienable hops, that among these are Centennial, Liberty, and the pursuit of Nelson Sauvin.

That to secure these hops, breweries are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of big beer, That whenever any form of beer becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of beer drinkers to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new breweries, laying its fermentation on such principles and organizing its yeast in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to affect their taste and hoppiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that big beer breweries long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that beer drinkers are more disposed to suffer, while urine tastes are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the beer to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of blandness and mediocrity pursuing invariably the same brand evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such beer brands and to provide new ales for their future imbibement.