Seven Ways to Drink Craft Beer like a Not-So-Basic Bitch

ACB is proud to introduce you to Sadaf Megan, known to her minions as the DC Beer Bitch. She’s far from basic, has sass to spare, and is here to help her girls stay far away from being basic bitches. So fasten your seat belts everybody…because the DC Beer Bitch is talking truth and you need to listen.

One: What Is Craft Beer?

Craft beer is tough to define, and frankly, I am not trying to give you a legal definition. But I will provide you with a definition so that you can navigate your way into the world of craft beer like a not-so-basic bitch. So, set down your pumpkin spice latte and pause the Netflix.

Craft beer is made by small breweries (this is based on production–less than 6 million barrels of beer annually) that are independent and that utilize a traditional fermentation process. Most importantly, craft brewers are innovative–AKA, they produce not-so-basic beers. So what should you do the next time you are wondering if it is “okay” to order a Miller Light? Say NO! Don’t be so basic, please. Are you also going to tell me that you still get your coffee from Starbucks?

Two: Try New Beers

I know extensive beer menus with funny names can be confusing–trust me, I feel the same way when I walked into Lulu Lemon and saw leggings with so many different names. It is okay to ask for a sample of a couple beers to try and find one you like if the bartender is not too busy. But please, limit yourself to no more than two samples–this isn’t Baskin Robins and you don’t need to try all 31 flavors.

Three: “Beer Makes Me Full”

Which ties into….

Four: “I Don’t Like The Dark Beers”

Now, I know you are basic, which probably means you don’t like the darker beers because they are so “heavy.” For your information, the “dark ones” are the stouts and porters, so you will want to stay away from those. Do you not drink them because they make you full?? Did you respond “Yes?” Well, guess what?! Not only are you BASIC but you are also slightly CRAZY to dismiss an entire group of beer like that. It is all in your head because darker beer doesn’t necessarily make you full faster. Take Guinness. While you may have heard it has as many carbs as a loaf of bread, it isn’t actually making you full like a loaf of bread. While Guinness is dark, it is light in body.

So, not all dark beer will make you full and fat. You want to know what will give you diabetes though? That flavored vodka you crush at the club mixed with juices and sodas. If you need an actual light beer, try a Hefeweizen.

This leads me to my next sweet and sugary delight…

Five: Cider

Yes, it is basic to order cider no matter how much you like the taste of an apple orchard exploding in your mouth. You are basic, so you are probably into things that are trending–and boy is autumn trending on your Pinterest right now! Maybe you are planning a pumpkin carving Instagram photo shoot with your gal pals. Only then can I recommend you actually drink some cider.

In the world of craft beers though, most cider is pretty basic and not crafty–stateside at least. This is because larger producers add cane sugar to manipulate the fermentation process (mainly because water and sugar are cheaper than apples). My rule of thumb is to stay away from mass-produced, wanna-be craft brew ciders such as Johnny Appleseed and Woodpecker. Instead, try Crispin (which is pretty readily available in most bars and even the Mecca of basicness, Whole Foods) or Wandering Aengus Wanderlust (modeled after English ciders from across the pond).

Six: Gravity = Drunk

My general rule for ordering craft beer is to choose the one with the highest gravity. I do this because I enjoy beer but I also want to start the fun as quickly as possible. For those of you who haven’t picked up on it, gravity means alcohol content. However, when referring to beer, you would say something like, “Oh, I prefer beers with higher gravity.” This will probably impress your date or guy friends more than your latest Instagram photo of you in your swim suit holding your hands in the shape of a heart at the sun – #sun #love.

Seven: 5 Buzzwords That You Can Use To Sound Un-Basic-Bitch-Like

Since you are such an avid learner, let’s review some buzzwords you will actually be able to use. It’s pretty likely you are going to drink a beer before you end up using those boards you pinned from Lauren Conrad’s wedding or Blake Lively’s “Everything Autumn” themed bridal shower.

1. Crisp (add finish if you want “crisp finish”).
2. Dry (add finish if you want “dry finish”).
3. Light
4. Thick or heavy
5. Bitter or sweet (you have taste buds so I’m assuming you can decipher this).

So smack on your Lulu leggings, zip up your North Face fleece, and pull yourself up by the UGGS, because you’ve got some beer to drink, bitches!

P.S. You can’t sit with us at the beer garden.