NYC: A Modern-Day Gomorrah

There are few things better than taking an unscheduled day off from work and sticking it to the man for a long weekend of shenanigans. A great warrior was once asked what is best in life, and answered with “crushing your enemies, see them driven before you, and hearing the lamentation of their women.” I contend it’s screwing off of work to stuff your face with trendy street foods and craft beer in New York City.

Is it wrong to play hooky and to drink out-of-market beer all weekend? Maybe, but who am I to judge? Nothing pairs better with a cold, refreshing beer than giving boss man the slip.

Note: There are plenty of other awesome spots in such a densely populated area of drunken rabble-rousers; these are just the places we hit up this trip.

DiCiccio’s Family Markets: This market embodies what New England needs, and for whatever reason, something Massachusetts apparently can’t have. Imagine a gourmet market full of delicious premium brand goods, a buffet of prepared foods, a mezzanine bar packed with an expertly curated beer portfolio, friendly wait staff, corn hole and growler fills! Oh did I mention that you could eat the food you buy at the store while sitting at the bar? Our visit was filled with pours of LoverBeer, EvilTwin, Hill Farmstead (shh…don’t tell anyone), Perennial, and some local unexpected treats. The two-bottle, CO² counter pressure growler machine was the star of the show, proving that a growler fill outside of a brewery is not only reasonable, but can also be done correctly. With almost a dozen locations open, make sure you know what’s available before you visit; you don’t want to miss out.

Drink: Evil Twin Imperial Biscotti Break w/Chili and Hazelnuts

Astoria Beer & Cheese – What a great little place to get your bottle shop on! Head here if you’re in the area looking for a quick shot of some local flavor in growler, pint, flight, or bottle. Condiments such as mustards, jams, sauerkraut, and pickles, in addition to a menu of sandwiches, charcuterie, and smalls make this a great stop for a pick-me-up before a night of Olympic beer drinking. There are two locations in Astoria–one on Broadway and one on Ditmars–for your drinking pleasure.

Drink: Draft list changes; check local draft options for something fresh and new.

Singlecut Brewery – At this point in the night, having pre-gamed before hitting up three bars and two bottle shops, things are getting loose. The names of the beers are so generic (Kim, Bob, Billy, Dean,) I’ve abandoned trying to remember what is what, and have resorted to circling what I want on the menu with a pen I carry in my pocket. Flights come in wooden trays with brief descriptors laminated on the bottom of the trays. Music from the brewery’s extensive vinyl collection blares throughout the warehouse setting and out the garage shutter door into the night, or early morning, or who the hell knows what time it is. Games like Cards Against Humanity and Sorry! are soaked in beer and scattered across tabletops. This far out in Astoria, the night streets look like the beginning of an episode of The Walking Dead; the only thing harder to find than other people wandering around the streets at this hour is a cab.

Drink: Try their Bob Sunburst Finish India Pale Lagrrr or their Eric Whiskey Barrel Aged Milk Stout aged in Widow Jane barrels for something darker.

Finback Brewery – Further out in Queens in the middle of a neighborhood stands Finback Brewery. The sparsely remodeled warehouse nestled on the edge of Glendale is pumping out some exciting beer. The free bagels and popcorn are doing wonders to keep my brain from peeling off the inside of my skull, and a little hair of the dog never hurt anyone. Hoppy beers are hoppy, dark beers are malty and benefit from seeing the inside of a barrel. Highlights include a coconut coffee milk stout and a surprisingly well-balanced witbier with a splash of jalapeno heat and citrus.

Drink: Plumb & Proper. Smoked plum sour that balanced wonderfully with a touch of smoke.

Smorgasburg – The gift that keeps on giving to wandering souls in search of myriad edible delights. Local handmade donuts, local roasted coffee, kombucha, ramen hamburgers, cemitas, mango sticky rice out of bamboo stems, barbecue, noodles, pommes frites, and everything a hung-over foodie could dream of through a cobweb-filled head. Definitely worth stopping by, and don’t fret, most vendors take plastic with the advent of mobile credit card apps. Isn’t the future amazing?

Eat: EVERYTHING

Tørst – The Holy of Holies for beer geeks. If it weren’t for the singular window looking into this small demure bar, the uninitiated might pass on by, which the fewer who know about Tørst, the better. Their rotating draft list is a veritable Murderers’ Row of who’s who in the beer world. Go early, and stay late; draft lines are subject to change on the fly, and the beer is always pouring well. Bring your wallet; it’ll be lighter on the way home, but worth every penny.

Drink: Draft list is constantly changing but always stocked well, so explore.

Brouwerij Lane – Now this is my type of bar! Small and then quiet, with a rotating beer selection that boasted Hill Farmstead Everett, just because. Growler fills, killer tunes, and a bottle shop that looks like a greenhouse turned craft beer garage with a bathroom walled with Star Wars wallpaper. After a day of drinking and eating, I imagine this is where old craft beer nerds go to drink to avoid people screaming about artisan pickles or the irony of their new Golden Girls neck tattoo. Unfortunately they close early at 10 pm, but honestly after this much beer, I should probably go home and do something wholesome.

Drink: Another awesome pub that posts its most recent draft list online. With short pours only costing a couple bucks, it’s worth trying just about everything on the menu.

I imagine crawling through New York City this way is like visiting Las Vegas; an abyss of depraved opportunity funneled through a long weekend of drinking, eating, and migraine drugs. I was sad to see the skyline fade into the distance of my rear view mirror, but my liver had taken the earlier train back to Boston out of spite. We had a great time, but a word of advice–if you’re headed to our modern-day Gomorrah, pack your drinking shoes–you’re gonna need ’em.